numb

numb - devoid of emotion

Pain is not fun.  When people cause it and seem to enjoy it, its sickening.  I encountered a lot of these people growing up, I seemed to attract them.  They didn’t seem to care that I had feelings.

Their came a point were my emotions just seemed to die.  The funeral happened in my teen years and I was the only guest.  The flowers at my emotional grave rotted away and I was content since you don’t feel anything when you’re living a lie. This lie breed apathy in me but still some nights I would stay up half the night angry over what had happened to me (teasing, surgeries, etc).  The more years that passed, the less and less, this happened, eventually it stopped. 

Well, the heartache has returned and with it the emotions.  Why, did it return?  God has taken and still is taking my ability to hide behind a mask.  This is scary for me, sometimes I feel like I’m going to be found out.  My heart gets heavy and I don’t know what to do since I don’t remember having to deal with this when I was a kid.  I cried recently over some things which will remain private since I’m not here to bash people.  Plus, they might not even know that they hurt me.  This may sound weird to some people but I’m glad this has happened since its proof that God is really changing me and working in my life.