endless frustration

i hate sexual sin yes i do at least that is what i tell myself so i feel better and so i don't look like a pervert.  yep i said it.  i know there is a disconnect between what i know i should do when temptation comes and what normally i do which is fall.  this struggle feels at times like a comedy of errors.  i wonder when will my heart break and i realize the destruction of my lust has consequences.  When will I care?  Will it be when somebody screams at me or will it be when God gently tells me, "you need to let go of that idol in your life, i can heal the hurt behind the action."  I obvious realize in my head that women shouldn't be my personal sex objects and i could say i'm sorry but saying your sorry and doing it tomorrow or whenever it happens again is just a veneer so i or you can just appease the guilt that we carry plus its a great way to placate the masses because who wants to admit that they struggle with sin that I and other people involved in it view as a disgusting, narcissistic, conceited action that controls you like your some damn dog with a electronic yard collar seeing the escape but seemingly not being able to escape.  I'm not hopeless because in christ and i'm a brand new creature, granted i wish this wasn't a part of my life i've been saying that for years. when i started this in 96 i didn't realize it would consume half my life.

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